


Cucumbers

by Zeffy



Category: Homeland
Genre: F/M, Halloween
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-30
Updated: 2016-10-30
Packaged: 2018-08-27 23:38:57
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 587
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8422114
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zeffy/pseuds/Zeffy
Summary: Warning! Silly stuff! 
(Halloween prompt)





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Laure001](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Laure001/gifts).



“Quinn?”

“Yeah.”

“I have a problem here. Can you come over?”

“What's happened?”

“I… Just come.”

“Carrie. It's like 4 a.m. And I won't do the same mistake again.”

“I swear I swear it's not like the last time.”

“You drunk?”

“No. Maybe. It doesn't matter I’m in deep shit, please.”

“No I don't want to go all the way there to find you drunk and bored and complaining about your boyfriend.”

“Well yes about him…”

“Carrie I don't want to hear about Jonas.”

“Thing is…”

“Especially about his… thing. Last time I heard more than I ever needed.”

“I apologized already! Besides, things I don't remember never happened.”

Oh no, believe me it happened. You gave me a detailed description I can't erase from my memory.”

“What can I say, it's a real problem. A big problem with the tiny thing…”

“Carrie.”

“What? Guys solidarity? No dick is too small?”

“I don't want to talk about dicks, is that unclear?”

“Tiny dicks.”

“Yeah last time you even brought these very small cucumbers from the fridge..”

“Ah! Gherkins, yes. I vaguely remember that. I wanted to show you the scale… Sorry.”

“Oh no you are not.”

“Yeah. Probably.”

“Good night Carrie.”

“Wait. Just remembered. Did I…? Oh my god I did…”

“Carrie, stop. I'm hanging up.”

“I’m so sorry. This I shouldn't have done. Sorry... No, no, this time I really am!”

“I was hoping you wouldn't remember it. It's ok.”

“No it's not!”

“...”

“You kept telling me that cucumbers were perfectly fine.”

“...”

“And I tried to explain you were wrong, because you are not a girl and you don't know shit.”

“...”

“And then I grabbed you there and said “that's what I call perfectly fine”…”

“You were very drunk.”

“And then I tried to seduce you.”

“Can we drop this topic?”

“I regret to remember it, believe me.”

“Yeah no doubt.”

“Oh my god.”

“Anything else?”

“Did I straddle your lap and tried to kiss you?”

“Should I lie or…?”

“I did.”

“Yes. Right before you ran to the bathroom, because you suddenly felt sick.”

“Oh no.”

“But you fell on your way there.”

“Shit.”

“You didn't give up, you kept going.”

“Wait. This is getting really embarrassing.”

“If I were an asshole, I’d lie that you weren't fast enough…”

“But I made it, I got there in time?”

“On all fours.”

“Oh. Yes. It was awful. I felt so sick.”

“You were puking for the whole hour.”

“Damn. I don't know how you managed to resist my charms.”

“No idea Carrie. Self-control?”

“I’m surprised you’re still talking to me, after all this.”

“I’m generous and forgiving.”

“Speaking of generosity. Are you coming or not? I need help here.”

“Only if you tell me what this is about.”

"..."

"Carrie?"

“....Ok. I killed Jonas.”

“You what???”

“You heard me!”

“...”

“Listen, I know, I swear I’m not out of my mind. Or maybe I am, but I’m not that crazy… We had a fight. I told him he was a lousy lay and he didn't take it well and I had to defend myself and I kind of overdid it.”

“Good to know it wasn't because of his… cucumber.”

“That was mean.”

“But you’re laughing.”

“Yes it's the… cucumber… just don't call it like that.”

“Ok, anything else I need to know?”

“I also might or might not have tried to saw him up to pack in a suitcase.”

“And?”

“Didn't go well. You’ll see.”

“On my way. And, Carrie…”

“Hmm?”

“Don't shoot me when I arrive.”

**Author's Note:**

> Tough weekend for poor Jonas...
> 
> No, it weren't Laure's Zombies that inspired the story. It's a fun coincidence:) But you might notice one of her stories did have some influence... can you guess which one?;)


End file.
